Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft