Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.