Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

i really liked this one

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .