Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

The best plant holders?

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Lmaoo 😂

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Does beer think about me too?

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.