Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D1ZUh9AUYAA41v7.mp4

Nice try, poison.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster