Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

#math

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY