Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear