dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
our love story in four pictures
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now