Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
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Mike is short for Micycle
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex