DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO