Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Planet of the Apps.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

the simulation is moving too fast

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael