DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”