Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Real 😅

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

an airline just for babies.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”