Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?