DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Spring cleaning checklist…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.