Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

😂🥴

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*