Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

😂😂

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

#parenting

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Breaking news:

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already