Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists