Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Catercrombie & Fish

🙄

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.