Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting corrected

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Does it…does it take 3 days

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.