I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice