Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

why isn’t he texting back

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

ME: and the hell, is it fresh?

2025: oh yes, the freshest

ME: wonderful, and is that my…

2025: your handbasket, yes

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Well, that should do it

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity