Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

uncle dave has been through hell

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”