Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

how much for the angry fruit?

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.