Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.