Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*looks at you in batman voice*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.