Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
secret recipe
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
scrabbled eggs
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.