Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.