Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

There’s no “u” in narcissist

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?