Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
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Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
🤣
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.