Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
what kind of cook setting is this??
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.