Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

So that’s what we looked like?

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“