Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
got so much cardio in today
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me