Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis