dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT