Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

So sick of all these stupid rules

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.