dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.