dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back