Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!