Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

so this horse walks into a bar

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat