dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
What a chick magnet..
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here