Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me sliding into hell like
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
