Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*exercises sarcastically*
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Nice try, NASA
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
