Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
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when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.