Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
my nickname in college
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.