Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I feel it
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
#Caturday
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.