Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it