Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
It’s the weekend y’all
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.