Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

nature’s most graceful animal

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Alexa, make me look good naked.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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