dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
You Might Also Like
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no