dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.