dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”