dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
