dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.