dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Skip intro
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!