Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

#dalle2

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no