dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
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Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*