dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
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Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
When they try to steal your moment.