Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You Might Also Like
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
#DesignFail
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp