Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date