Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You Might Also Like
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there