Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
You Might Also Like
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.