The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans
The dog comes in to show emotional support
… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.
I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
[Sees cute barista]
I’ll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.
The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you’re in fight club.