Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”