Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

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The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.


I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.


Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him


Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.


Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.


I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.


No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.


Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”


[Sees cute barista]

I’ll have a quickie.

Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.