Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

I can fix him.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic