dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.