Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.