Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.