DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Every haunted house movie:
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”