Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
You Might Also Like
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.