Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Jupiter

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

I have many caverns

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.