Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*