Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L