Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Tapped in
