Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don鈥檛 think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You鈥檙e scaring him.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
7YO: Daddy you鈥檙e so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: 鈥ast night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 馃槅
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.