Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

(yawn)

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

It will always be this

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!