Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
when someone rings the doorbell
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.