Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.